Digital Paint Discussion Board
Digital Paint Community => Other Stuff => Topic started by: KnacK on August 04, 2006, 01:05:05 PM
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They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you se eing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people ques tions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't pee out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."
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I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her no, but that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that pract ically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy behind us was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.
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Two gators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
Well," said the big gator, "What you been eatin boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do yall catch em?"
"Down to the side of the swamp near the parkin lot by the Capitol."
"Same here Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an excretory opening and a briefcase."
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The priest in a small Irish village cherished the kock
and
the ten hens he kept behind the church. But one
Saturday
the kock went missing.The priest knew that kock fights
happened in the village. So he started to ask the
parisheners
from the pulpit on Sunday morning...
During Mass he asked the congregation; "Has anyone got
a kock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, No! Thats not what I mean. Has anyone seen a
kock?"
All the woman stood up.
"No, No. Thats not what I meant. Has anyone seen a
kock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the woman stood up.
"No, No! Thats NOT what I meant. Has anyone seen MY
kock?"
All the Nuns; three altar boys, a visiting priest and
a goat stood up. ( and Cobo)
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* Cobo stands up.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f8/Rooster04_adjusted.jpg)
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nice Cobo ;D
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Thanks HPB thoose are funny.
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PENIS!
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PENIS!
what would you like to know about owning one?
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pfff, silly Spook, you wont find that on the internet. You have to experience it by yourself ;)
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Little Johnny finally turned 18 and Johnny wanted to find a sexually promiscuous person because he has never had sex.
Little Johnny was walking down the street and looking into a nail salon and saw a women just sitting in the chair and thought to himself "this must be a w*h*o*r*e house"
So Johnny walks in side and propositions the lady. She is affended at first but then says "Sure why not, buisness is slow"
So she takes little Johnny in the back and puts it on him good I mean real good and after its done she gives him a free manicure.
About a week later Little Johnny is walking down the street and walks right pass the nail salon and looks in. He makes eye contact with the women and then takes off running down the street.
Well she gets up and takes off after little johnny and she finally catches up with him after a couple blocks and stops him.
The women says "what's wrong with you?"
Johnny says " stay away from me me you crazy b*i*t*c*h, first you give me crabs and then you cut my nails so I can't scratch them"
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hahaha
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If you even KNOW anyone from the south.. you'll love these sayings
>- ha!
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
She's so stuck up she'd drown in a rainstorm.
It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull.
He's as country as cornflakes.
This is gooder'n grits.
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
I'm 'bout as........ Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Busy as a moth in a mitten. Happy as a clam at high tide.
Advice for Northerners moving to the South: Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help hem. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's
is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big l' ," as in "big ol' truck," or "big ol' boy." "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go o the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
One last warning but probably the most important one to remember:
Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is considered a legally valid defense.
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MATH FINAL
New Orleans School Board
NAME/ALIAS/AKA____________________GANG/HOOD/CREW NAME______________
1. Dontronda has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Dontronda attempt before he has to reload?
2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Leroy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. Latrelle is a lookout for the gang. Latrelle also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Latrelle makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Shaniqua steals Rontell's skateboard. As Shaniqua skates away at 15 mph, Rontell loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Rontell 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Shaniqua be when she gets capped?
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lmfao.
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i love that last question
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http://www.snopes.com/humor/question/mathtest.asp
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Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
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http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/hot.htm
P.S.
Anywhere, anytime, from anyone, if a snopes-noted topic is mentioned, I just HAVE to post the link ;)
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Headlines from the year 2029:
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , form erly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
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Lmao jitspoe. great joke./
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To Whom it may concern
If you are reading this, I am already dead. Ever since Mr. Wonka left me the Chocolate Factory my life has been a living hell. I had woken on several occasions to what I am sure were the Umpa Loompas stroking my young body. Within two weeks of taking control of the factory my Grandfather became addicted to Fizzy Lifting drinks, culminating in a tragic fan accident. I am sure the Oompa Loompas ate the remains. The Ghosts of the dead children haunt my every waking moment, and pursue me through these twisted halls in my nightmares. Veruca screams, burning from the harsh flames of the furnace. Augustus Gloop gurgles chocolate from his bloated features as he struggles to call my name. The gum-chewing girl bursts on a regular basis, showering me with blueberry scented entrails. I think Mike TV still lives in the walls like a mouse, stealing my things and keeping me awake with his tiny footsteps. My other grandparents died long ago, and I shudder to think of their final fate at the hands of those tiny orange-skinned monsters. My mother long ago went insane, teeth rotting from candy. She is locked in the cellar, though I feel her fetid breath washing over me from time to time and hear her shrieking laughter... "golden ticket... golden ticket." The pressures of all this have broken me, compounded with the trials of a ten year old trying to run a factory populated with imps, with ledgers all cut in half and unreadable. As I take my life, leaping from the wonkavator (freedom, sweet freedom), I darn thee Wonka. Where ever your soul may rest, I darn thee.
Farewell.
Charlie.
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ROFL. That's hilarious.
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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"
Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
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haha
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A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.
“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
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Dont know what a tampon is, does, what it looks like or how it works, but i think its funny he makes his wife work hard.
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LOL
LOL
omg you're joking right?
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. . .
I would hope so. If not, that's going in someone's sig, and it will haunt you for the rest of your life.
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These three friends went on vacation together. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," He said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
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Daryl is merry haha but all he needed was some affection
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Three men went on a business trip. At the end of the day they decided to rent a hotel for a night. So, they went around town searching for a hotel. Finally, they found one. Unfortunately, there was only one room available, but it had a king-size bed.
The men thought for a minute and decided to take it. All of them slept together on the same bed.
In the morning they shared their night experiences. The man who slept on the left said that he had a dream that somebody was playing with his penis. The man who slept on the right said exactly the same thing.
The man who slept in the middle wondered for a second and said: "Strange! I dreamt I was skiing."
- Door to Door
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pleasurable
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Great Bash Quote:
<Sprinkle>A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
<Sprinkle>The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
<Sprinkle>He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
<Sprinkle>She directs him down the correct aisle.
<Sprinkle>A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the <Sprinkle>counter.
<Sprinkle>She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
<Sprinkle>He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a <Sprinkle>carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; <Sprinkle>cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my <Sprinkle>own .......... so does she."
<nightryder>Dont know what a tampon is, does, what it looks like or how it works, but i think its funny he makes his wife work hard.
Quote added as #681724. Thanks for participating. :-)
You can use this number (681724) to track the life of your submission by entering it into the # input on the above toolbar.
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Alabama man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctors...
Man: Doc i'd like to get my daughter on birth control.
Doctor: Well your daughter sure is aweful young to be gettin on birth control, is she sexually active?
Man: Naw, she just lays there like her mother.
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Ooooooh. I didn't get it for a minute there.
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The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually
joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.
"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.
Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.
"Oh, good grief, "cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again!"
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WOOOOOO!
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(http://earthsoils.calpoly.edu/images/joke-worm-pore.jpg)
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ummm kay
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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"
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CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
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WIFE VS HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XP CD. To my surprise he threw the CD into my microwave oven and turned it on. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it. What do you see?'
To my surprise the CD was quite cold to the touch and it seemed to be weightier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I had ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E
65204F5320746F2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320
746F206272696E67207468656D20616C6C20616E6420696E207468
65206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D2E0D0A00
'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said in a timid voice.
'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are in Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here in the light of day. In common English this is what it says:
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
These are but two lines from a verse long known in Systems lore:
Three OS's from corporate kings in their towers of glass,
Seven from valley lords where orchards used to grow,
Nine from dotcoms doomed to die,
One from the Dark Lord Gates on his wight-wrought throne
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.
One OS to rule them all,
One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them,
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.
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MasterCard Wedding
You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a Microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride making out with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "here's to you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "here's to you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
Do you think we might get a MasterC ard "priceless" commercial out of
this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
And the best man: Priceless
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD!
"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn you tomorrow...
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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indi cated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides
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Those were worse than the stuff I make up.
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ONE AFTERNOON, SKATER RETURNED HOME FROM SCHOOL AND ANNOUNCED THAT A FRIEND HAD TOLD HIM WHERE BABIES COME FROM. AMUSED, HIS MOTHER REPLIED, "WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT?"
SKATER EXPLAINED, "WELL, MOMMY AND DADDY
TAKE OFF ALL OF THEIR CLOTHES, AND THEN THE DADDY'S THINGY STANDS UP, AND THEN THE MOMMY PUTS IT IN HER MOUTH, AND THEN IT SORT OF EXPLODES, AND THAT'S HOW YOU GET BABIES."
HIS MOTHER SHOOK HER HEAD, LEANED OVER TO MEET HIM EYE-TO-EYE, AND SAID, "OH, HONEY, THAT'S SWEET, BUT THAT'S NOT HOW YOU GET BABIES. THAT'S HOW YOU GET JEWELRY.
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
students. "Human beings are the only animals that
stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered", she
volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of
these stories could become, asked the girl to describe
the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a
running start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary",
said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went
'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say
"F u c k," the rottweiler ate him!"
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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the
other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her
friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f u c king Chihuahua???!!!"
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There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied,
"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room
on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back,
still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of
the others? "He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant
to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.
After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.
She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On
the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and
Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will
deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE'S the SOB who ran over my FROG!"
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The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ..... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, why the hell would you think they're twins? ........ Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
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A man walks into a butcher's shop. He asks the butcher, 'Are you a betting man?'. The butcher replies, 'Why yes, I do consider myself to be a betting man.' 'Well then,' the customer responds, 'I bet you $20 you can't get that meat off the wall.' The butcher thinks about it a minute, then says, 'I'm sorry, I can't accept that bet.' 'Why not? I thought you said you were a betting man!', says the customer. 'Well I am,' replies the butcher, 'but this time, the steaks are too high.'
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Police Comment Transcriptions
The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car
videos around the country...
#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."
#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And ... THE BEST ONE!
#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't - Sign here."
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BURN @ #1. lol
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lol #1 super funny.
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#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
I actually thought about that one, until I realized what a retard I am.
lmao me too... haha
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"I'm sorry, sir. I'm going to have to give you a ticket for DUI: Driving with an Underdeveloped Intellect."
But, yeah, it threw me for a second, too.
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to The Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of High-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed Them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the Largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head,Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the Ground. I yelled, "Now back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Just a few minutes ago."
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The Black Hills are awesome, by the way. Such a cool place.
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At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
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ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."