I've read the whole thing. Here is what I think, it won't cover all the stuff because right now I don't remember every detail. Attention: the following text may contain spoilers.
Pros:
- the story itself, future world
- quite long for your first book
- it's a fast-reading (is there such a phrase?) book, took me much less time to read it than other English books/texts
- some things (technical stuff) were covered in detail, I think you should stick to it
- not having a googol of characters
Cons:
- a lot of grammatical, punctuation and other errors, that sometimes are just too visible
- repetition of words, this really needs to go, I found myself reading the same word 10 times in one paragraph, you need more synonyms
- few things were too obvious ("the war"), where others were too unclear (out of blue the world in another world in another? you should have put more attention to that, this could be the very core of the book [kind of reminds me of Inception])
- some of the references to the real world (/b/, for example, I didn't really like it, but it's subjective opinion)
- putting acronyms next to phrases and never using them (I think NPC is a good example), also, not explaining them in details
All in all, this could be a good book, possibly even a selling one, if you put more effort to it and read it carefully few times, trying to catch all the details. You need to do this proccess, it's really boring to do, but it's needed. Good luck though, and although I know it's not all easy and fun, keep up the good work!
