Author Topic: Joke Only Thread!  (Read 10135 times)

Spook

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #40 on: August 18, 2006, 04:06:40 PM »
WOOOOOO!

jitspoe

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #41 on: August 18, 2006, 07:04:43 PM »

KnacK

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #42 on: August 19, 2006, 12:14:11 PM »
ummm kay

Sprinkle

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #43 on: August 19, 2006, 10:14:48 PM »
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"

Sprinkle

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #44 on: August 19, 2006, 10:15:15 PM »
CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Sprinkle

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #45 on: August 19, 2006, 10:17:10 PM »
WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

TinMan

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #46 on: August 20, 2006, 12:10:58 AM »
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XP CD. To my surprise he threw the CD into my microwave oven and turned it on. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it. What do you see?'

To my surprise the CD was quite cold to the touch and it seemed to be weightier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I had ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:


4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E
65204F5320746F2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320
746F206272696E67207468656D20616C6C20616E6420696E207468
65206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D2E0D0A00


'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said in a timid voice.

'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are in Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here in the light of day. In common English this is what it says:

    One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
    One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

These are but two lines from a verse long known in Systems lore:

    Three OS's from corporate kings in their towers of glass,
    Seven from valley lords where orchards used to grow,
    Nine from dotcoms doomed to die,
    One from the Dark Lord Gates on his wight-wrought throne
    In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.
     
    One OS to rule them all,
    One OS to find them,
    One OS to bring them all
    And in the darkness bind them,
    In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.

KnacK

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #47 on: August 20, 2006, 09:58:49 AM »
MasterCard Wedding

You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.


After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a Microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.


He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.


Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride making out with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.


After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "here's to you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "here's to you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."


He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.  His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
Do you think we might get a MasterC ard "priceless" commercial out of
this?


Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.


Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000


Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500


The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
And the best man:  Priceless


There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD!


"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn you tomorrow...

KnacK

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #48 on: September 17, 2006, 10:10:33 AM »
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indi cated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides


jitspoe

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #49 on: September 17, 2006, 06:29:10 PM »
Those were worse than the stuff I make up.

KnacK

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #50 on: September 18, 2006, 02:11:44 PM »
ONE AFTERNOON, SKATER RETURNED HOME FROM SCHOOL AND ANNOUNCED THAT A FRIEND HAD TOLD HIM WHERE BABIES COME FROM. AMUSED, HIS MOTHER REPLIED, "WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT?"
 
SKATER EXPLAINED, "WELL, MOMMY AND DADDY
TAKE OFF ALL OF THEIR CLOTHES, AND THEN THE DADDY'S THINGY STANDS UP, AND THEN THE MOMMY PUTS IT IN HER MOUTH, AND THEN IT SORT OF EXPLODES, AND THAT'S HOW YOU GET BABIES."
 
HIS MOTHER SHOOK HER HEAD, LEANED OVER TO MEET HIM EYE-TO-EYE, AND SAID, "OH, HONEY, THAT'S SWEET, BUT THAT'S NOT HOW YOU GET BABIES. THAT'S HOW YOU GET JEWELRY.

KnacK

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #51 on: September 18, 2006, 02:20:22 PM »
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
students. "Human beings are the only animals that
stutter", she says.
 
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered", she
volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of
these stories could become, asked the girl to describe
the incident.
 
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a
running start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary",
said the teacher.
 
   
 "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went
'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say
"F u c k," the rottweiler ate him!"


KnacK

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #52 on: September 18, 2006, 02:23:41 PM »
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the

other, a Chihuahua.
 As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her
friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f u c king Chihuahua???!!!"

Sprinkle

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #53 on: September 22, 2006, 09:16:21 AM »
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied,
"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
So THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room
on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back,
still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of
the others? "He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant
to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.
After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.
She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On
the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and
Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will
deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE'S the SOB who ran over my FROG!"

KnacK

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #54 on: September 24, 2006, 07:39:44 PM »
The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
 
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ..... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, why the hell would you think they're twins? ........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Eiii

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #55 on: September 24, 2006, 10:21:16 PM »
A man walks into a butcher's shop. He asks the butcher, 'Are you a betting man?'. The butcher replies, 'Why yes, I do consider myself to be a betting man.' 'Well then,' the customer responds, 'I bet you $20 you can't get that meat off the wall.' The butcher thinks about it a minute, then says, 'I'm sorry, I can't accept that bet.' 'Why not? I thought you said you were a betting man!', says the customer. 'Well I am,' replies the butcher, 'but this time, the steaks are too high.'

Sprinkle

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #56 on: October 01, 2006, 11:15:15 PM »
Police Comment Transcriptions

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car
videos around the country...

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And ... THE BEST ONE!

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't - Sign here."

TinMan

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #57 on: October 01, 2006, 11:37:09 PM »
BURN @ #1. lol

Excalibur

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Re: Joke Only Thread!
« Reply #58 on: October 02, 2006, 03:39:27 AM »
lol #1 super funny.

IronFist

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« Reply #59 on: October 02, 2006, 02:17:51 PM »
Post removed
« Last Edit: July 25, 2010, 10:38:07 PM by IronFist »