Author Topic: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux  (Read 14518 times)

KnacK

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KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« on: March 05, 2007, 11:51:14 AM »
Two very elderly friends, PiCaSSo and S8NSSON, met in the park every day to feed the n00bs, watch the h4x0rz and discuss forum problems. One day S8NSSON didn't show up; PiCaSSo didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.

But after S8NSSON hadn't shown up for a week or so, PiCaSSo really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and PiCaSSo couldn't remember where S8NSSON lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed, and PiCaSSo figured old S8NSSON had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day PiCaSSo approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat S8NSSON ! PiCaSSo was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud S8NSSON, what happened to you???" S8NSSON replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail???," cried PiCaSSo!! "What in the world for???" "Well," S8NSSON said, "You know Ashley, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" Yeah" said PiCaSSo, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me, and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.

The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."


jitspoe

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2007, 02:37:53 PM »
Haha, that's good.   How about this one:

KnacK and PiCaSSo were chatting one day when PiCaSSo exclaimed, "What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?" KnacK, with a puzzled look, said, "I don't know", and reached up pulling out the object, then exclaimed, "My word, a suppository!" Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid."

KnacK

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2007, 02:44:35 PM »
eh?????


:p

Zorchenhimer

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2007, 06:03:11 PM »
Bwahahaha!!!

Hey Knack, this might help: Google. :P

Eiii

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2007, 08:04:06 PM »
Haha, that's good.   How about this one:

KnacK and PiCaSSo were chatting one day when PiCaSSo exclaimed, "What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?" KnacK, with a puzzled look, said, "I don't know", and reached up pulling out the object, then exclaimed, "My word, a suppository!" Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid."

It'd probably melt in there, most of them are wax-based.

Killswitch

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2007, 08:05:03 PM »
hahah
good one

jitspoe

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2007, 08:09:56 PM »
It'd probably melt in there
The hearing aid or the suppository?  Haha.

Eiii

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2007, 08:19:32 PM »
BOTH. Actually, suppository. :P

KnacK

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2007, 07:32:36 AM »
Problem Name

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete.... She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.  She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, ICU.

jitspoe

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2007, 01:10:48 PM »
Ouch.  That one hurt.

KnacK

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2007, 09:05:32 PM »
The joke or my new avatar?

KnacK

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #11 on: March 09, 2007, 08:22:03 AM »
A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

" PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES ! ! ! "
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong ?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

" PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES ! ! ! "
and doing so draws an even bigger crowd !
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,

" BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED ! ! !"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded ! ! !

Eiii

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #12 on: March 09, 2007, 06:05:32 PM »
Uhhhh...

oli887

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #13 on: March 10, 2007, 02:36:44 PM »
Wow... KnacK. I like that but i prefer Jitspoe's suppository story..... Nice try...

nightryder

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2007, 05:40:36 PM »
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week That's about 60 bucks a Month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up With something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little
ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little excrement is adorable!

oli887

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #15 on: March 13, 2007, 05:23:22 PM »
LOL !!!!!!! Omg... That one is cool. I should try to write one but my best one are in french :S loll If you guys want to try to understand a real joke from quebec just tell me :P

jitspoe

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #16 on: March 13, 2007, 06:20:05 PM »
Ah, where's Fembot when you need his "Quebec is screwed" alias?

Zorchenhimer

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #17 on: March 14, 2007, 09:36:17 PM »
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?


Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following  question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
...................................................................
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor  or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a  consensus.
..................................................................
Republican's Answer:

BANG!
..................................................................
Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or  Hollow Points?"
Son:  "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife:  "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"

KnacK

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #18 on: March 15, 2007, 04:57:53 AM »
I laugh every time I read that joke.


BANG BANG BANG BANG CLICK ( reload) BANG BANG BANG.....

Funny as I have a glock in 40 cal.

KnacK

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Re: KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux
« Reply #19 on: March 15, 2007, 05:54:01 PM »
Things I Learned in Texas

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in
the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas .

There are 10,000 types of spiders.  All 10,000 live in Texas,
plus a few no one has ever seen before.

Raccoons will test your melon crop, and let you know when they
are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree...nothing.

 There are valid reasons why some people put razor wire around their
house.

A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

 The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25; then it stops
totally until October 2.  (unless there's a hurricane)

 Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word and is pronounced "coalbare.

People actually grow and eat okra.  (shut up, it's good)

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City
people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the
first few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to
see a doctor.  Buzzards are known as "Texas Turkeys"

Fixing to is one word and is pronounced "fittin-tah"

 There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only breakfast,
dinner and then there's supper.

 "Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals, and you start
drinking it when you are two. You also give it to babies for
colic..Just a tid-bit.  (and it's called Sweettea, one word.  Iced is presumed)

"Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you...and actually
you pronounce it "backards" and "forads".

 "Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what
time it is. You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.

 You measure distance in minutes or hours.

You can switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

  Stores don't have bags. They have sacks.

 You see cars with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot
with no one in them, no matter what time of the year.  (cause they's
comin ratback)

 All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a
vegetable. (not true, there's rattlesnake fest, mosquito fest, catfish fest,
crawfish fest, and so on.  some yankee musta wrote this one)

You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave
both unlocked.

 You carry jumper cables for your own car.

 You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper,
Ketchup, and Tabasco .. (cause they's good on snipes)

You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

The local papers cover national and international news on one
page, but require six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

The first day of deer season is a state holiday.

You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.

The four seasons are: Almost summer, summer, still summer and
Christmas.

 You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or
South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin
Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world"... (or Target, pronounced Tar-jay to
make it sound Franch)

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good
chili-eatin' weather (and people light up the farplace)

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a
Coke regardless of brand or flavor. (cause "pop" is yer daddy)