Some Good Bash's

[jitspoe]

<@insomnia> it only takes three commands to install Gentoo
<@insomnia> cfdisk /dev/hda && mkfs.xfs /dev/hda1 && mount /dev/hda1 /mnt/gentoo/ && chroot /mnt/gentoo/ && env-update && . /etc/profile && emerge sync && cd /usr/portage && scripts/bootsrap.sh && emerge system && emerge vim && vi /etc/fstab && emerge gentoo-dev-sources && cd /usr/src/linux && make menuconfig && make install modules_install && emerge gnome mozilla-firefox openoffice && emerge grub && cp /boot/grub/grub.conf.sample /boot/grub/grub.conf && vi /boot/grub/grub.conf && grub && init 6
<@insomnia> that's the first one

http://bash.org/?464385

<Korras> friendship among women: one doesn't come home one night, and tells her bf that she spent the night with a female friend of hers. bf calls 10 of her friends, and none know a thing.
<Korras> friendship amongst men: same thing happens. man says he spent the night at a friends place. gf calls 10 of his friends. 8 confirm he has been there, and the two others say he's still there.

http://bash.org/?475199

<Vash> /ctcp Bot doit passwd <command>
<Vash> try it!
<Kao> okay
-> [Bot] DOIT passwd msg #scripting I love babies
<bot> I love babies
-> [Bot] DOIT passwd /run shutdown -r -t 3 -c "byeeeee"
<Vash> ohhh
* Vash has quit IRC (Connection reset by peer)
* Bot has quit IRC (Connection reset by peer)

http://bash.org/?477397

Scud: The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you
Scud: And then it hit me

http://bash.org/?479067

<plexiglass> what do u mean? I wasnt even here when they tried to takeover the chan
<haplo> Why can't you just admit that you asked them to take it over!?
<plexiglass> Sheez.. didnt expect the spanish inquisition..
* SpanInqui (spanish@34-ZARA-Y343.libre.retevision.es) has joined #commonsense
<SpanInqui> NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!

http://bash.org/?481108

<eGagz-Trevor`> i spilt weiner juice in my lap
<blue[2q]> WHAT?!
<eGagz-Trevor`> the stuff that comes out of those cans with those vienna weiners

http://bash.org/?482546

<Moonpie> one time, in middle school, some people let some pigs onto the campus. They painted on the pigs "1", "2", and "4". The faculty spent weeks looking for the third one.

http://bash.org/?482717

<tag0y> A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
<tag0y> Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
<tag0y> She found a good way
<tag0y> To combine work and play:
<tag0y> She sells C shells by the seashore.

http://bash.org/?483136

This one's long, so I'll just link it: http://bash.org/?484340

<sthmnstr> So I was in this restauraunt with my gf the other day and she wanted to emberas me.
<sthmnstr> I had eaten too much and was holding my stomach moaning and then she's all like 'aww, is the baby kicking?' and i said 'Yup. Thats the last time I eat one of those whole...'

http://bash.org/?484579

More long ones:
http://bash.org/?488793
http://bash.org/?488826

<scytale> man, i suck at cooking
<scytale> was cooking something, piece of food fell on the floor
<scytale> dog ate it up, then threw up

http://bash.org/?489710

Yeah, I was just playing catch up -- hadn't visited bash in a while.  Feel free to post more.

[jitspoe]

<deloused> haha i love when people start telling you stuff like you care when you actually don't and you don't pay attention, and then when they finish they ask for your opinion/advice and you just say "oh yea i totally agree"
<XA> oh yeah, i totally agree

http://bash.org/?521316

random girl: hey!
me: ...hi?
me: who is this?
random girl: Jessica, I saw u on myspace
random girl: ur hot
me: thanks
random girl: np
me: this girl keeps bugging me, but I don't want to talk to her
me: what should I do?
random girl: make up sum excuse, like ur mom is kickin u off or sumthing
me: oh alright
me: I have to go
me: my mom is kicking me off
me: bye

http://bash.org/?520670

<Sloyment> Don't type so fast. This channel looks like Tetris level 50

http://bash.org/?520156

<Trin[awah]> I was dyeing easter eggs, and I said, "my eggs came out all ugly!"
<Trin[awah]> and my brother said to me, "well, now you know how your mother feels."

http://bash.org/?522754

[Eiii]

http://bash.org/?20740

<Inignot> here is a magic trick Mordecai - think of a card in a stardard deck and type done and I will tell you the card.
<Mordecai> done
<Inignot> 10 of diamonds!
<Mordecai> I was thinking 'blue mana'

http://bash.org/?117330

<The_Kirbinator> 3000 mexicans dies yesterday........ 5 car pile-up on the I-10

http://bash.org/?462443

TANK Ex Mortis: I HATE WINDOWS!!!11one
AkiraBlast45387: ha
AkiraBlast45387: y?
TANK Ex Mortis: "Cannot delete file: It is being used by another person or program. Close any programs that might be using the file and try again."
TANK Ex Mortis: WHAT FILE, YOU excrementHOLE OPERATING SYSTEM!?
TANK Ex Mortis: If I was on Linux, it'd be like "There was an error, program X doesn't want you to delete that file. Here's a helpful link to teach you how to get around that. Would you like some tea?"
TANK Ex Mortis: Of course, when I want to install something on Linux, it says "You can't install that until you install these 50 libraries, update these 3 drives, downgrade this 1 driver, and pick my mom up from the airport."
TANK Ex Mortis: Whereas with Windows, it says "Click the next button over and over again until the program is installed. It will then work perfectly unless it doesn't."
TANK Ex Mortis: Unless it's made by Valve, in which case it says "DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE" and blows up your computer. ;_;

http://bash.org/?7797

<Linguica> it would be funny if i got a serious death threat
<Linguica> wtf
<Linguica> wait a minute
<Linguica> <Linguica> it would be funny if i got a serious death threat
<Linguica> no it wouldnt

http://bash.org/?38284

<JerryBeep> There are two kinds of jokes in the world:  Jokes that people respond to by saying "lol" and funny jokes.
<melipompous> lol
<JerryBeep> You bastard.

http://bash.org/?60865

<Bop|Kat> you know what they say about black guys!
<Mondo> yeah
<Mondo> they steal excrement
<Bop|Kat> shut up!
<Bop|Kat> my dads black!
<Mondo> im only screwin round
<Bop|Kat> I was only kiddin too
<Bop|Kat> My dad is white
<Bop|Kat> he's an arsehole tho
<Mondo> so he might as well be black ?

[jitspoe]

<Tre_Cool>: Man I'm soooo hungry... I could eat more hot dogs than that lil japenese guy.
<Netters>: I got 20 bucks that says you can't do that.
<Tre_Cool>: Listen, I'm not intimidated by you OR your freakish talking money.

http://bash.org/?541795

(placid|work) i knew a girl that was fat just because of her asthma medication
(@Rayn) what was she taking for asthma ... cheeseburgers?

http://bash.org/?543728

<Victorian_Skunk> Is there a new virus going around? My Windows has suddenly changed to another language! I think it's Croatian.
<Dan> You Got Serbed!

http://bash.org/?553790

<@RaptorIIC> Error: Too many arguments when calling GirlFriend();

http://bash.org/?558075

<Buddy`leftBehind`Lee> My wife demanded I take her out some place expensive
<Buddy`leftBehind`Lee> I took her to a gas station

http://bash.org/?565565

[Eiii]

http://bash.org/?8244

<`Trivia`>  kq1.169. Swans are the only birds with?
<`Trivia`>  1st Hint: *******   Question Value : 4 Points
*** Joins: StupidFsh
<oregvphf> attitude
<JtHMx> Penises
<oregvphf>
<`Trivia`>  YES, JtHMx!!!  got the answer ->  Penises <-  in  11.697  secs, and gets  4  Points
<`Trivia`> JtHMx has won  2  in a row!! Total Points this WEEK:  10  & this MONTH:  10
<JtHMx> what?!?!
<oregvphf> HAHAHA
<JtHMx> I WAS meddling JOKING
<JtHMx> TAKE THE POINTS OFF ME
* oregvphf falls over

http://bash.org/?22707

<burrahobbit> "Hi, my name is Tyson Vandagriff and, I am going to be your roommate next year at OU."
<burrahobbit> AND COMMA
<burrahobbit> HOLY CRAP MY ROOMMATE IS RETARDED

http://bash.org/?948

(jesdynf) I want an emulator that, every time you try to load a game, there's a 6% chance it pops up a dialog that says "It's not loading! Tap the A button to blow the dust out."

http://bash.org/?48505

Jigglyjuff: that's worse then that peanut, butter and jelly sandwich i hear all americans like
<CHAT MattDavis>  no
<CHAT MattDavis>  peanut butter
Jigglyjuff: oh! that makes much more sense

http://bash.org/?125529

<NES> hah
<NES> speaking of your mom jokes getting me in trouble
<NES> my friend rocky's mom died of cancer
<NES> I had no knowledge of this cancer, I hadn't known him very long
<NES> and I had for a while this obnoxious habit of doing those your mom jokes
<NES> repeating something someone said and inserting their mom
<NES> so I sit down at lunch one day and I hear him say "she died of cancer"
<NES> and I said "your MOM died of cancer"
<NES> *silence*

http://bash.org/?547569

M8525888: here, you gotta press a and e really fast
M8525888: æ
Ryoji 17: ae
Ryoji 17: ae
Ryoji 17: ae
Ryoji 17: ae
...
Ryoji 17: ae
Ryoji 17: ae
M8525888: æ i o u
Ryoji 17: ae
Ryoji 17: ae

http://bash.org/?139462

<Taiken> I had this dream once...
<Taiken> Where my penis grew teeth and attacked me.
<woosh> dude
<woosh> Your penis is cool.
<woosh> I want Taiken's penis
<Kyle> ..
<woosh> That sounded so wrong.
<Kyle> Yeah.

All done.

[jitspoe]

lol @ peanut, butter and jelly sandwich.

[Eiii]

I like the second to last one, too.

[Eiii]

It's a long one, but for the love of god, read it all.

http://bash.org/?572066

EDIT:
Found more!

http://bash.org/?564283

<jdigittl> i just filled out an online mortgage application to test something. I just received a phone call from a mortgage broker: "Hi, I'd like to speak with, um, Mr Testy McTest..."

http://bash.org/?572765

SteveDixon23: how hard do you think it would be to build a working EMP bomb?
xanxion: the hard part would be making a video to prove it works.
SteveDixon23: ...
SteveDixon23: this is true.

http://bash.org/?572338

<Shakeman> holy christ, there is a hurricane Beta too?
<Linkin> yeah, its in development..

http://bash.org/?571740

DerANgeD: not cool! ctrl+w closes firefox
DerANgeD: I was trying to press shift+w and accidentally hit my ctrl button
Triumph: whats shift+w?
DerANgeD: a capital W stupid donkey

http://bash.org/?564842

<%typobox43> (I/O, I/O, it's to the bus we go)
<%typobox43> I can just imagine the electrical pulses singing that.
<+BlindFool> You need to be shot

http://bash.org/?564342

<Kiell> So I get a text message on Friday from a number I didn't recognise...
<Kiell> it reads:
<Kiell> "Hi agatha this is betty i do not have very many clothes to be ironed this week i am sorry but please can you come next week. i hope you are well. betty."
<Kiell> I ponder this for an hour or two, and then reply:
<Kiell> "That's ok, betty.  I meddling suck at ironing. See you next week.  Aggie."

[Murdock]

One of my favorites has always been..
http://bash.org/?75154

I love bash. It's like the Sportscenter of IRC. You don't have to be there for the whole thing to see the best parts.

[jitspoe]

nurv3947: So, I was talking to one of my friends, and she's kinda fat, right?
nurv3947: And this woman walks up to us, looks at my friend and asks "Are you pregnant?"
nurv3947: And she says "Yes, I got gang raped by twelve donuts."
nurv3947: Honestly, I almost died.
nurv3947: I just turned and walked away.
nurv3947: I couldn't even walk straight.

http://bash.org/?572797

[jitspoe]

NTG85002: Hahaha
NTG85002: Today I was at my psych 101 lecture, of about 300 people, and we were talking about Freud's psychosexual stages, and how he thought homosexuality was credited to an lack of influence from the same sex parent.
NTG85002: So in the middle of class, my friend says "I don't believe that.  If not having one of your parents around led to homosexuality, there would be a lot more black homosexuals."
NTG85002: The teacher was speechless.

http://bash.org/?575874

<testman> i asked my girlfriend to come home to watch the last samurai
<testman> and she answered "i'd like to, but i didn't see the first ones"

http://bash.org/?574238

[Eiii]

http://bash.org/?576116

<Quast> bbg: homosexuality isn't a badge you get after you intercourse a guy in the ass for the first time
<Quast> or get it yourself
<xooz98> which badge do you get again?
<xooz98> the boy scouts system is so complicated

http://bash.org/?576099

Chronic Munchies: imagine if anne frank had a BLOG instead of a DIARY
Chronic Munchies: currently listening to: nazis pounding on the door
GenAmonX2K: Current Mood: concentrating

http://bash.org/?574642

* Porter is now known as PorterWITHGIRLFRIENDWHOISHOT
<Strayed> he shot his girlfriend?

http://bash.org/?574136

<tinks> besides, the more i have in savings, the more i can put into my 401k every month
<tinks> yeayyyyy 401k
<brat> Doesn't 401k come out of your paycheck, not savings?
<grue> heh, they should havae called the savings accounts at Enron the 404k
<grue> savings not found

http://bash.org/?573611

<chiby> base? is that another word for acid?
<spriggan> wtf, when's your chemistry exam?
<chiby> tomorrow
<spriggan> hahahahaha, oh man, you're screwed

http://bash.org/?573406

<Ryz0r> are your parents gona be at your party?
<z3phyr> my mum is
<Ryz0r> is she cool?
<z3phyr> yeah she is she lets me pretty much do what i want when i want
<z3phyr> all my mates think she is cool which is worrying
<Ryz0r> you think you've got it bad
<Ryz0r> all my mates want to sleep with my mum
<z3phyr> well she is pretty fit
<Rey> Yeah, I'd hit it.
<Lord_roostertax> me too!
<Ryz0r> AAGH!!

http://bash.org/?9100

* Ryo curses his swiss-cheese memory
* Grue curses his fondue memory. It's all melty and stuff. o_o;

http://bash.org/?13359

<TrivBot> Question 3. A man's beard grows fastest when he ______?
<_Cozmo_> shaves it
<emul8or__> shaves
<RatAway> jacks off
<TrivBot> Here's a hint: antici
<Rjx> anticipates sex
<TrivBot> Rjx got the answer: anticipates sex. In: 5.7secs.
<Rjx> wtf?

[CainAssassin]

 

[Eiii]

If you keep making that face, it'll get stuck like that.

[CainAssassin]

my face IS stuck like that

[Eiii]

That explains why you keep making that face, then.

[CainAssassin]

Its what botox does to you...

[jitspoe]

* andy Quit (Quit: Your Mom is so dumb that she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products expression using a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm.)

http://bash.org/?582005

<savenor> i just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident

http://bash.org/?583627

<Yaksha> I asked my brother what he wanted for Christmas.
<Yaksha> He said he wanted cold hard cash.
<Yaksha> So that's exactly what I gave him.
<Yaksha> I got 20 $1 bills, soaked them in water and put them in the freezer.
<Yaksha> When he got it, it was just a block of green ice that took a day to thaw.

http://bash.org/?596241

<Grid> Hey Psyko, if the world was gonna end in 3 minutes, what would you do?
<Psyko> I'D SCREW ANYTHING THAT MOVES!!! What would you do?
<Grid> ... ... ... I'd stand very very still. o.o;

http://bash.org/?596983

<<Newtype> "Chrono Trigger was supervised by a group referred to as "The Dream Team", consisting of Hironobu Sakaguchi (producer of the Final Fantasy series), Yuji Horii (director of the Dragon Quest games), character designer Akira Toriyama (of Dragon Ball and Dragon Quest fame), venerable producer Kazuhiko Aoki, and Nobuo Uematsu (of Final Fantasy fame)."
<<Newtype> seriously, the only thing that could have made that any better was having Jesus on that team
<<Schwarz> Jesus was a carpenter, what the hell would he know about video games?

http://bash.org/?597487

<ronald_jeremy> haha, im taking this ethics certificatino thing online...they have the answers in the source code

http://bash.org/?597875

<dura> I really think I'm a moron.
<dura> I just now realised that Neo spelled backwards is one.

http://bash.org/?597921

<WorldEdit> do you think the word emo would be accepted in scrabble
<Sevivrus> Of course not. Emos are never accepted anywhere.

http://bash.org/?598463

<alan> if you were a credit card, you'd be a visa, since you're everywhere i want to be.
<sp4nk> You'd be American Express. No one accepts you.

http://bash.org/?601636

<death09>my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her and her new boyfriend in bed
<ktp753>ouch.
<death09>yeah.i sent them to her dad

http://bash.org/?602698

hotpinkcutie09: yea let me tell you he spent one ENTIRE class talkin about how to spell prapoganda
MisgivenGlassJaw: My guess is that you slept through that lesson

http://bash.org/?604773

<Drhubbard> watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other day.
<Drhubbard> they spent about half the film going through the fridge labelling everything..

http://bash.org/?583650

<Arendra> A smiley says a thousand words
<Arendra> :-)
*** Arendra has quit IRC (Excess Flood)

http://bash.org/?587662

silic0nsilence: So it's black friday at CompUSA.
Slider: Yea
silic0nsilence: We were to open up at 12am. It's 11:58pm and there is a HUGE line of blood-thirsty, hard drive-wanting, maniacs. So my friend dares me to scream we have one xbox360.
Slider: Holy excrement.
silic0nsilence: So he gives me $20. I go up to the gate and scream, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE JUST RECIEVED ONE XBOX360!!" Immediatly people are storming the gate, passing me money through the cage to get it. They were screaming and knocked over this old lady. My boss just looks at me with these red eyes. In them, I saw fear and rage.
Slider: Omg you dumb excrement!
Slider: Wait a second, it's 12:46A, and it's black Friday. What did this happen minutes ago? Shouldn't you be at work?
silic0nsilence: Yeah..
silic0nsilence: Pretty sure I don't work at CompUSA any more..

http://bash.org/?587801

Haha, why are people so obsessed with the 360?

<TomskE`away> omg best thing ever
<TomskE`away> if u get pulled over by like highway cops
<TomskE`away> you go " i bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the highway cops ball"
<TomskE`away> so they go
<TomskE`away> "highway cops dont have balls"

http://bash.org/?589901

<Musket> is there an echo in here?
<ManOfStuff> an echo in here?
<FessyBugger> in here?
<Kajifox> here?

http://bash.org/?590322

<Leitari> omg
<Leitari> king kong is long
<Leitari> ^^
<Leitari> my ass hurts
<Leitari> wait
<Leitari> that didnt sound right

http://bash.org/?592351

<+Kamasutra> i had a dream that the RIAA busted into the shower cause i was singing too loud

http://bash.org/?595485

[Excalibur]

oh man those are funny. i wont say lol because they where funny.

[jitspoe]

<Nihility> I wanna buy starcraft cereal.
<NoJuice4u> with marshmallow zerglings?
<Inside> kekekekeke sugar rush

http://bash.org/?604965

<Dogan> GUYS, STORY TIME
<Dogan> So my teacher's friend's friend or something
<Dogan> She was dogsitting one day
<Dogan> Shows up the first time, finds the dog dead on the floor, right?
<Nightryde> how embarrassing
<Dogan> SO she's gotta pack the dog corpse up and take it to the vet so they can dispose of it or whatever
<Dogan> She can't find anything to fit it in, so she stuffs it in a freaking SUITCASE
<Dogan> She didn't have a car so she has to take the train through Chicago
<Zeelot> oh mannnn
<Dogan> This guy helps her carry the case on and is like
<Dogan> "this is pretty heavy, what's in it?"
<Dogan> lady replies "just some computer things"
<Dogan> the guy SOCKS HER IN THE FACE AND RUNS OFF WITH THE CASE
<Nightryde> AHAHAHA HOW would you pawn that sort of thing???

http://bash.org/?605550

<Sarah> lol, i was at a speech and debate tournament in 9th grade at a public high school in albuquerque.  the counselor's office was right next to the culinary arts office.  on the counselor's office window, there was a poster that said "Suicide: A permanent solution to a temporary problem" and on the culinary arts window there was a poster that read: "Use the right knife"

http://bash.org/?606775

<zexis> hmmm you think this statistic is real?
<zexis> every 2 minutes a woman is raped in Ohio
<hal> why doesn't she just move?
<zexis> ?

http://bash.org/?608067

<David_0mega> google maps has taught me many things
<junkntrunk> such as?
<David_0mega> that my neighbor has a pool for one thing

http://bash.org/?608156

Chodeskius: hey whats a good name for my kitten
Shniznite: Qwerty
Chodeskius: that sounds so familiar
Chodeskius: where did u get qwerty.. oh.

http://bash.org/?609178

< plasmadis> One time my dad stole a roll of brightly-colored stickers from a butcher's counter that said "BREASTS" and went to the video store and stuck them on all the movies that looked likely to contain nudity.

http://bash.org/?609240

* Now talking in #Democrats
<Gunman> is anybody here?
<Gunman> hmm...everybody's an op, but nobodys doing anything...
<Gunman> so im definately in the #democrats channel...

http://bash.org/?609999

<spazbob> im orderin a black dvd writer, on the assumption it'll run faster

http://bash.org/?611400

<Rebbel> Man Google Earth is awesome
<Android18> Why?
<Rebbel> Im looking at my house
<Rebbel> brb, pizzas here
<BFMV> Now thats what i call technology

http://bash.org/?615496

<J-Dawg> no, I just refuse to turn on my heat after my $255 heating bill
<WeirdAl> 1 dollar more and you'd need another bit

http://bash.org/?616101

<inspin> so just as I cutting into my pizza, the bell rang
<inspin> It was the little girl from nextdoor, asking where my sister was
<inspin> so I hold up the knife covered in tomatosauce and say in an evil voice "she's not here right now"
<3ll3> LOL
<inspin> so she screams and runs away
<inspin> I felt guitly so I start chasing her saying "I'm sorry"
<inspin> Then her father sees me chasing after his little girl with, what he must have thougt, a bloody knife
<3ll3> I hope he called the cops on you :p
<inspin> well no, but I don't think I'm getting my knife back anytime soon

http://bash.org/?616894

ErrorHst : im getting tired of your ignorance
DoomDayMassacre : im not ignoring u

http://bash.org/?618078

<Altair> hey guys
<Altair> gotta question for you all.
<Altair> If you could listen to one song before you died, what would it be?
<Spike> The song that never ends?

http://bash.org/?618579

... still catching up.  Haven't read bash in a while.