</mitchHedbergJoke>
my most favorite comedian ever
Quotes
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow S H I T.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load S H I T into a truck.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be F U C K E D up.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! F U C K! Seven. I need more dice."
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're F U C K I N relentless.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.
My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than roosterroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellas... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 222-2222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press 2 for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed 2 enough."
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. "Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches?" "All-encompassingly..."
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
and so many more...
http://www.thedotdotdot.com/humor/hedberg.html RIP Mitch
FUNNIEST F U C K I N DUDE TO EVER LIVE. its a dam shame.
