Author Topic: Joke Only Thread! (Read 10138 times)

KnacK · « **Reply #20 on:** August 13, 2006, 06:30:14 AM »

Headlines from the year 2029:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , form erly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

toM|vendettA · « **Reply #21 on:** August 13, 2006, 09:34:39 PM »

Lmao jitspoe. great joke./

TinMan · « **Reply #22 on:** August 14, 2006, 01:34:17 AM »

To Whom it may concern

If you are reading this, I am already dead. Ever since Mr. Wonka left me the Chocolate Factory my life has been a living hell. I had woken on several occasions to what I am sure were the Umpa Loompas stroking my young body. Within two weeks of taking control of the factory my Grandfather became addicted to Fizzy Lifting drinks, culminating in a tragic fan accident. I am sure the Oompa Loompas ate the remains. The Ghosts of the dead children haunt my every waking moment, and pursue me through these twisted halls in my nightmares. Veruca screams, burning from the harsh flames of the furnace. Augustus Gloop gurgles chocolate from his bloated features as he struggles to call my name. The gum-chewing girl bursts on a regular basis, showering me with blueberry scented entrails. I think Mike TV still lives in the walls like a mouse, stealing my things and keeping me awake with his tiny footsteps. My other grandparents died long ago, and I shudder to think of their final fate at the hands of those tiny orange-skinned monsters. My mother long ago went insane, teeth rotting from candy. She is locked in the cellar, though I feel her fetid breath washing over me from time to time and hear her shrieking laughter... "golden ticket... golden ticket." The pressures of all this have broken me, compounded with the trials of a ten year old trying to run a factory populated with imps, with ledgers all cut in half and unreadable. As I take my life, leaping from the wonkavator (freedom, sweet freedom), I darn thee Wonka. Where ever your soul may rest, I darn thee.

Farewell.

Charlie.

Eiii · « **Reply #23 on:** August 14, 2006, 08:48:22 AM »

ROFL. That's hilarious.

nightryder · « **Reply #24 on:** August 16, 2006, 12:27:05 AM »

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Spook · « **Reply #25 on:** August 16, 2006, 12:32:30 AM »

nightryder · « **Reply #26 on:** August 16, 2006, 10:21:24 PM »

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.

The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”

Sprinkle · « **Reply #27 on:** August 16, 2006, 10:54:32 PM »

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

nightryder · « **Reply #28 on:** August 16, 2006, 10:58:22 PM »

Dont know what a tampon is, does, what it looks like or how it works, but i think its funny he makes his wife work hard.

Smokey · « **Reply #29 on:** August 16, 2006, 11:15:35 PM »

LOL
LOL
omg you're joking right?

Eiii · « **Reply #30 on:** August 16, 2006, 11:20:00 PM »

. . .

I would hope so. If not, that's going in someone's sig, and it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Smokey · « **Reply #31 on:** August 16, 2006, 11:27:33 PM »

These three friends went on vacation together. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," He said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Spook · « **Reply #32 on:** August 16, 2006, 11:45:30 PM »

Daryl is merry haha but all he needed was some affection

TinMan · « **Reply #33 on:** August 16, 2006, 11:48:47 PM »

Three men went on a business trip. At the end of the day they decided to rent a hotel for a night. So, they went around town searching for a hotel. Finally, they found one. Unfortunately, there was only one room available, but it had a king-size bed.

The men thought for a minute and decided to take it. All of them slept together on the same bed.

In the morning they shared their night experiences. The man who slept on the left said that he had a dream that somebody was playing with his penis. The man who slept on the right said exactly the same thing.

The man who slept in the middle wondered for a second and said: "Strange! I dreamt I was skiing."

- Door to Door

Spook · « **Reply #34 on:** August 17, 2006, 12:09:12 AM »

pleasurable

KnacK · « **Reply #35 on:** August 17, 2006, 07:31:36 AM »

Great Bash Quote:

<Sprinkle>A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
<Sprinkle>The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
<Sprinkle>He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
<Sprinkle>She directs him down the correct aisle.
<Sprinkle>A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the <Sprinkle>counter.
<Sprinkle>She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
<Sprinkle>He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a <Sprinkle>carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; <Sprinkle>cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my <Sprinkle>own .......... so does she."
<nightryder>Dont know what a tampon is, does, what it looks like or how it works, but i think its funny he makes his wife work hard.

Quote added as #681724. Thanks for participating. :-)
You can use this number (681724) to track the life of your submission by entering it into the # input on the above toolbar.

S8NSSON · « **Reply #36 on:** August 17, 2006, 11:16:27 AM »

Alabama man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctors...
Man: Doc i'd like to get my daughter on birth control.
Doctor: Well your daughter sure is aweful young to be gettin on birth control, is she sexually active?
Man: Naw, she just lays there like her mother.

Eiii · « **Reply #37 on:** August 17, 2006, 12:27:32 PM »

Ooooooh. I didn't get it for a minute there.

jitspoe · « **Reply #38 on:** August 18, 2006, 02:21:25 PM »

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Smokey · « **Reply #39 on:** August 18, 2006, 02:32:59 PM »

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually
joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief, "cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again!"