Joke Only Thread!

[Smokey]

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

I actually thought about that one, until I realized what a retard I am.

lmao me too... haha

[jitspoe]

"I'm sorry, sir.  I'm going to have to give you a ticket for DUI: Driving with an Underdeveloped Intellect."

But, yeah, it threw me for a second, too.

[KnacK]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to The Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of High-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed Them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the Largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head,Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the Ground. I yelled, "Now back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Just a few minutes ago."

[Eiii]

The Black Hills are awesome, by the way. Such a cool place.

[KnacK]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
 
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
 
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
 
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
 
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
 
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
 
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

[KnacK]

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

       A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

       The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds  of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

       "Onions?"

       "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

       This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

       The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

       After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

        "A Christmas tree?"

       "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."