In September has suddenly died my aunt, and it was to me as native mother.
I have not uttered any teardrop though it there was a greater loss! Also has begun: the FEAR is has started to operate me, instead of me. There are no forces - ABSOLUTELY! I should sit, stand, something to do. I feel constant weariness. Contrary to to all I WISH to live, I do not wish to be the madwoman!
What to me to do?
I am sorry to hear about your loss.
The real question is how to move past the feelings that you are dealing with. There is a natural grieving process. And there is no real way around that. However, sometimes grieving goes beyond just sadness and causes us to shut down, and to think on things all the time. While this can be expected for a few days, weeks etc. after several months as you describe it might be a problem.
Do you feel any responsibility over her death? Any guilt?
This is of course not easy. We cannot just decide to not be sad. It is an emotion. And we can't order our emotions, but only try to lessen their effect.
However, since emotions are the results of circumstances, and grow out of actions, etc. we do have a way to have some effect on our feelings.
Here are some steps I would suggest.
1. Sit down and make a schedule of things to do the next day. When depression sets it can be hard to do the normal things that you need to. Include such simple things as
a. get up
b. shower
c. eat
d. clean house
Right now if you allow yourself to sit and think all day you will go deeper into your thoughts of grief. Out of control emotions that are fed get worse, not better.
2. Agree right now that you will not continue to dwell on thoughts of your aunt's loss. Now simply NOT thinking of something is difficult. It is best to have something positive to think about. Are there others in your life who need your help? Family? Friends? Trying to be social at this time not only builds new relationships which you need for support, but temporarily takes your mind off of things. I realize you may have to FORCE yourself to go places where people are. That is alright. Force yourself. After you go you will likely find it was better than sitting at home.
Some ideas for socializing:
a. Be around family if you have others to lean on.
b. volunteer somewhere in the community
c . take on a part time job if you are not working
d. go to community events
3. If you are religious you might see your priest, pastor, rabbi, etc. Prayer is also helpful.
If you are not a counselor might be a good idea.
The main thing that you have to realize is that the only control you have over your feelings is your actions and your will. Feeling loss is natural. And you should not feel bad about grieving.But you have a choice on what you dwell on, what you think about, during the day. You need to intentionally refuse to think about these things constantly, and find new things to get you active until you can get back to a more normal state.
If you like you can send me a personal message on the forums to talk more about this.
