KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux

[Gremlin]

you know, as a fellow Texan, I just realised that all of that is true. That's scary. What's worse is, I know someone who fits into almost every one of those descriptions. Hilarious stuff knack, got a giggle out of me. (=

[KnacK]

".. hold my b33r and watch this..."

[KnacK]

The Bacon Tree

  Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

  They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

  "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?

  Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."

  "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

  So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

  There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture...

  There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

  "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!"

  "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?

  We ees in the Desert don't forget."

  "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

  And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

  He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

  It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

  "Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."

  "Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

  "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...





  Ees..........






  Ees...







  Ees.........






  Ees....









  ... Eees a Ham Bush

[BLONDIE]

hahaha nice one knackers! 

[jitspoe]

Oww.  That went beyond a groaner.  That was a groiner.  I feel like I've been hit in the nuts.

[Cobo]

[BLONDIE]

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

[Lunatic]

 "Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

lol

[KnacK]

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

You make'n fun of me boy?

[KnacK]

The TRUTH about the arrow shaped cursor on your desktop!!!

The Japanese have finally revealed a mystery for you.
How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the mouse?
Haven't you ever wondered how it works?
Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done.
With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.
 
Click on the link below and you will find out. The image may take a minute or two to download and when it appears, slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works.
 
http://www.1-click.jp/

[jitspoe]

Knack must have started working on that joke 20 days ago, shortly after the previous joke he posted, considering how long that took to download on broadband.

[KnacK]

took a day and a half on dialup!

On a side note - you just disabled karma again.

[y00tz]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week That's about 60 bucks a Month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up With something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little
ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little excrement is adorable!

Heh - reminds me of this one:

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[KnacK]

If you are sitting next to some stranger who irritates you on a plane, train
or bus ...

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Boot it.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

6. Then hit this link:

http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

[magalhaes]

lol

[Spook]

LMFAO, you could get arrested for that

[KnacK]

Air Traffic Controller's Funniest Quotes:

http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

[webhead]

regarding "Things I learned in Texas":
funny, but that's hardly true everywhere in the state.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25; then it stops
totally until October 2.  (unless there's a hurricane)
since when?

Onced and twiced are words.
never heard them.

Buzzards are known as "Texas Turkeys"
naw. they's buzzards.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only breakfast,
dinner and then there's supper.
to me, the meals are breakfast, lunch, and supper, and the biggest meal could be referred to as dinner.

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what
time it is. You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.
not true for me. i love my atomic watch.

Stores don't have bags. They have sacks.
i think this is changing by the generation. i don't say sack, but my dad probably would.

You carry jumper cables for your own car.
TRUE.

The local papers cover national and international news on one
page, but require six pages to cover Friday night high school football.
that's exaggerated, but TRUE in principle.

You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.
no, i absolutely hate it.

The four seasons are: Almost summer, summer, still summer and
Christmas.
TRUE.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a
Coke regardless of brand or flavor. (cause "pop" is yer daddy)
true, we don't say soda, cola, or pop, but I personally mean Coke if I say Coke. generically, i'd probably say soft drink.

[KnacK]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first
graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
 
   The children began to say:
 
   Red......................Cherry
 
   Yellow................Lemon
 
   Green...................Lime
 
   Orange.................Orange
 
   Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating
them, none of the children could identify the taste.
 
   "Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father."
 
   One little girl looked up in horror,  spit her lifesaver out
and yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're a$$-holes!"

[webhead]

LOLlolLOLroflroflrofl