KnacK's infamous " Jokes Only" Thread - Part Deux

[y00tz]

Truly fantstic

[y00tz]

"Ah, Simon, Steven, there's a man here from security wants a word with you?" the head of IT asks nervously.

"Really?" the PFY says. "What's he want?"

"Found a body," security says, stepping into Mission Control from behind the head.

"A body?" the PFY says, in his well-practised innocent manner.

"A body," security repeats.

"Where?" I ask.

"Third floor showers."

For a moment there I'd wondered whether the PFY really was the hard faced bastard he sometimes appeared to be and hadn't made the anonymous call to security about the Boss' sub basement predicament, but even our ducting system isn't watertight enough to push someone up four floors...

"And you're coming to us to see if we have security footage?"

"No."

"Swipe card records?"

"No."

"Motion sensor logs?"

"No," security repeats. "I popped up to see if you knew something about it."

"Showering?" the PFY asks, acting slightly offended.

"The body."

"Oh, I shouldn't think so. Who was it?"

"Bloke from accounts payable. Henderson."

"And you thought of them why?" the head of IT asks.

"We thought he'd died from natural causes," security says, nodding at the PFY.

"Natural causes?"

"Yeah, electrocution, drowning, poisoning..."

"They're not natural causes!" the head gasps.

"They are if you call me at 4am whining about the quality of toner," I snap. "Not that this bloke...uhm..."

"Henderson," security supplies helpfully.

"...did that."

"So you thought of them because?"

"Because he was a beancounter and because he had one of these in his hand," security says, holding up a USB key.

"A USB key," the PFY says. "What's on it?"

"I was hoping you'd be able to tell me that – it's encrypted."

"Ah...shouldn't the Police be doing that?" the PFY says, choosing the cautious route.

"They should be, but I've been asked to take a look at it because Henderson was being monitored internally. It seems he was a little enthusiastic in processing the payments he's been authorising the last few months. Paying them two or three times in some cases..."

"And THAT'S why you thought of us – you thought he'd been overpaying us?"

"No, the payments were all to an auditing company for 'consultancy' fees," the head of IT says, getting in on the act. "But our company doesn't want its name in the E-Crime reports since the CEO's a charter member of the E-Crime Awareness Committee, and it might look bad..."

"So let's get this straight – your sole reason for suspecting that we had something to do with it was because the guy was carrying a USB key?"

"He was naked," security adds.

"Oh please tell me he was 'carrying it' in his hand!" the PFY says, dropping it on his desk while suppressing a gag reflex.

"Yes."

"Oh, right then >PLUG!<" the PFY sighs. "Okay, >clickety< so it's a USB Key-based encryption system with... >tap< >tap< hundreds of trillions of possible keys and >clickety< would most likely take several weeks of computing time to crack."

"Really?" the head of IT gasps.

"Nah, it's a raw image of an encrypted ZIP file – >tap< >tap< and an very early version of ZIP at that.""

"So when will you have it cracked?" security asks.

"Now," the PFY says, opening a spreadsheet onto the window. ">clickety< Hm... >tapity-click< It's just a spreadsheet of payments – hardly worth putting into a zip file at all – certainly not worth encrypting >tappity<"

"Nothing else hidden on the device?!?"

">clickety< Nnnnooo, doesn't look like it. >tappity< By the look of it the key was brand new – or newly low-level erased and the Zip file raw copied over it – the rest is blank. So it looks like you're back to square one – perhaps someone at the audit company thought he knew too much?"

"Yes, it's possible – but at least we know we're not going to be handing over any data which might embarrass the CEO," security says. "We can hand this over to the Police safe in the knowledge that no further invoices will be triple paid. And now that that's cleared up.. >RING< Hello... Yes... Yes... really? Okay, yes... good, goodbye then."

"What is it?" the head asks expectantly.

"A friend of mine keeping me posted about the coroner's report – it was natural causes."

"You mean electric..."

"No stroke. The coroner reckons he probably dropped the key, bent over to pick it up and BAM, lights out matron!"

"So it wasn't them?" the head asks dubiously looking at the PFY and myself.

"Nope, just a random event – could have happened to anyone," security says, grabbing the USB key and wandering off sheepishly with the head of IT in tow.

...

"So you opened your own auditing office," I say to the PFY once they're gone. "Ballsy! But the stroke thing – a piece of luck or overdose of blood thinners in the water fountain?"

"ME?!"" the PFY gasps. "I thought it was you?"

"Hell no. But the double payment stuff sounds good!"

"Yeah, all the rage in Iraq. Apparently Henderson was paying the same bill on successive months by appending a suffix to the invoice number. On the third month he'd divert suspicion simply by paying the bill plus the overdue penalty so the numbers didn't recur. And the best part was he had a set of SQL statements which he'd trigger from his desktop to do it without leaving an audit trail in the finance package."

"That's pretty bloody clever...But how do you know all this?"

"It was all in that ZIP file on the USB key."

"But that was only a spreadsheet!"

"No, that was off the Beancounter's fileshare. The real ZIP file was much more interesting – he's kept notes and everything!"

"So..."

"I think it's time we got our names on the employee list at that auditing place..." the PFY says, picking up the phone and bashing in a number...

[KnacK]

and people wonder why I love my job.....

[y00tz]

What is your job exactly?

[magalhaes]

What is your job exactly?

His most important job? DigitalPaint: Paintball 2 forum moderator

[KnacK]

What is your job exactly?

i'm a systems admin not unlike the BOFH :p

[KnacK]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place

First man : "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second man: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck around the pool."

Third man: "You both have it easy! I had to promise
my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
 

 

They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth
had not said a word.


So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"

Fourth man : "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am, when it
went off, I turned off my alarm gave the wife a nudge and
said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear your sun block."

 
 

[flip]

In prison, you get three square meals a day.

At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.

At home, you get to read weekly readers starring detective, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.

At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.

At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.

At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.

At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.

At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

[flip]

some famous quotes by officers!!!

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

[nopyo]

I found this one:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". 

[KnacK]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Don't mess with women! 

[KnacK]

For all of you non-Texans:

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.


The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"


The cop answers, "You're in Texas, Son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."


The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from
around here."


The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.  The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" 

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that a$$hole would've tried that sheet with me! "

[KnacK]

The Pope visits Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Rugged Mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot
grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a
bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about Grizzly bear hunting!  By the way,  how is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?

[y00tz]

That inspires my incredibly lame Pope joke.

The late Pope John Paul the First was riding in the back of his limo through the countryside of Western Europe.  After a while of staring at sheep along the side of the road, the Pope asked the driver if he could drive the limo for a bit, seeing as he rarely gets to drive.  The driver found a turnoff and the Pope took over for a few miles before his inexperience at driving got the best of him, and he was pulled over by a police officer.

The policeman walked up, and took one look at who he pulled over before he took out his radio and called his boss.

He said, "Sir you're never going to believe who I just pulled over!"
"Michael Jordan?" The senior officer asked.
"Nope, bigger" replied the cop.
"George Bush?"
"Negative"

"Well who is it?" The chief finally asked, to which the cop replied, "hell if I know, but the Pope is his driver!"

[KnacK]

roflcopter!

This is what I needed this morning

[jitspoe]

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

[KnacK]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"

[KnacK]

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Pete and KC.
As they start their descent Cooter slips, Falls off the tower and is killed
instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, darn,
someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that
sensitive stuff, I'll do it. "Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case
of Budweiser. Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife
gave it to me," KC replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her
husband was dead and she gave you beer?"  Well, not exactly", KC says. "When
she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'." She
said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said "I'll bet you a
case of Budweiser you are. "

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive crap...

[KnacK]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the excretory opening. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge excretory opening.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

[webhead]

nah, theyre not that great. the only ones i like are:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual.
Competitive eating isn't a sport.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

all the others aren't that true, to me.

and did you notice the "excretory opening" filter? lawl.